Life’s a beach and so is my sister-in-law…

Last week when I was having a long phone conversation with my mother she told me that my brother, DK the Asshat, was heading down to the beach with his family in the coming weeks.  She hadn’t be invited to join them for many reasons (lots ‘o’ tension in the family these days) but mostly because my brother is taking the children’s nanny and my father along.  S and I hadn’t been invited either, which didn’t really surprise me.  Last year’s beach trip was scheduled for the last week of the school year and while we were invited at the last minute, we couldn’t go.  I was a little sad that we weren’t able to go last year because, as it turns out, it was my grandmother’s last trip to the beach.  The writing was on the wall for that before the trip was scheduled, so I don’t know why it couldn’t have been scheduled for a later time in the summer when I would have been able to attend.  Whatever.  It’s just one of the reasons I call my brother DK the Asshat.

DK was an asshat long before he married Satan, but when their evil powers combined in an unholy union, each became unbearable.  While DK is an asshat, he is an asshat that craves having his family around him.  I don’t know that it matters whether or not we enjoy being around him, just that we are around him.  But Satan does not like any of us one bit.  She hated my grandmother.  She loathes my mother.  She is disgusted by my brother, MK.  She despises my father.  I suppose she hates me, but maybe there is some emotion bigger than hate and that is how she feels.  I don’t know…  She doesn’t speak to me.  She is friendly to S though.

There is a constant battle in their unholy union because DK the Asshat wants his family around and Satan wants to be as far away from us as possible.  If she has to consent to a visit, she feigns a headache and spends the entore visit in another room “resting”.  She even does that on family beach trips.  She hates us so much that if we are around she spends an entire beach trip in a room by herself resting.  Seriously, she could just go walk along the beach by herself and not miss out on the beach, you know. 

As I said, I was not surprised that S and I were not invited to the beach this year.  The family tension since my grandmother died has been awful and I have been a participant, mostly as an advocate for my mother.  Not a popular position to take where DK the Asshat and Satan are involved.  Besides, S and I wouldn’t have been able to afford to go to the beach even if we had been invited.  And I wouldn’t have gone without my mother.

Sunday night, as S and I were getting home for our 1 mile “training” walk with the dogs, my cell phone rang and the caller ID read: DK the Asshat.  Yes, it actually says that.  I answered, because if I don’t it angers him more than is reasonable for any normal person.  His cell phone service sucks, I think it is Verizon and I could only hear about every fourth word of what he was saying (my AT&T rocks!)  but I did get these sentences: “Hey, Meg, I meant to call you this morning but things have been crazy.  We’re all down here at the beach and you and S should come down.”

Seriously?  I knew about this trip at least four days before that phone call, which meant it had been in the plans for at least a week, if not more.  They are renting a beach house, which you can do on some short notice, but beach front takes a little work.  So, DK the Asshat waits to invite us until he is already at the beach?  And he apologizes for calling at 7:00 pm instead of 7:00 am when they are already at the beach as if that makes a difference?  Asshat.

Needless to say, I said no thank you.

In honor of their complete beachiness, I present to you, DK the Asshat and Satan during our last beach vacation together in 2005.


2 Responses

  1. I don’t know what to say. But I feel like I want to say something. I think you sound angry, and I really do understand. Maybe it would make you less angry to stop calling your family asshats and Satan. But maybe not, maybe that helps you to work through it. I don’t know.

    In any case, I can suggest a good book to get your mind off of it, K? Do you like Horror? Well this dude, Bentley Little, he wrote the most amazing book called The Store. You should check it out. It’s all about this chain department store, like Wal-Mart or Target, but it’s called The Store, see? and really strange things happen when they build a Store in your town. I mean, like, not your town, don’t worry. It’s fictional. But you know what I mean: the town in the book. You should check it out. It really cheered me up to read it. It has a happy ending. Very inspirational.

    Good luck with your family and stuff.

  2. I prefer to think of myself as bitter or misanthropic rather than angry. But I suppose I can understand why this particular post came across as angry. Thank you for the book recommendation, however I am 95% a non-fiction reader.

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