The end of April…

How can this possibly be the last day of April?  I totally got ripped off on the whole birthday month thing.  I suppose I shouldn’t be too upset about the end of April since the past few days have been so cold.  I actually broke down and turned the heat back on when it got down to 38 degrees.  Bastards.  Perhaps May will be warmer.  Of course, the first year that we lived here, we got a snow storm on May 28th, so I no longer get my hopes too high that May means warmer weather.

The day that my grandmother died, after I went to the funeral home to make arrangements, my mother and I went out to lunch together.  It was our first meal out, alone, without my grandmother in my life.  And it was kind of nice.  I made a vow to her that day that we would start to spend more time together, not just because there were so many post-death things to be done, but because I wanted to have a better relationship with her.  We’re close, I guess.  But when I was growing up in a house with her and my grandmother, my grandmother took charge.  She was the parent to both of us.  At first I think my mother was releived to not have to parent me.  But by the time I was in high school and she wanted to be the parent, I dismissed her and turned to my grandmother during the times when I needed parental advice/help/guidance/permission slip/etc.

So, even though April has left me in a flash and I have lost weekend to my grandmother’s illness, her death and then S’s grandparents, I am heading back to West Virginia tomorrow.  I hate having to do it because I am seriously missing alone time with S and Rummy has only recently forgiven me for being away the last time.  I really, really just want to stay home and hang with my little family.  But I told my mother that I would be there to advise her on some financial issues that she now has to deal with.  And I promised her that we would spend more time together.  So I have to go. 

And I have been having pangs of guilt since the moment we drive away from her after the funeral.  She is all alone now in that big house.  Thankfully she has been busy trying to take stock of all of my grandmother’s things.  And there have been lots of relatives and friends stopping by the help her out and visit with her.  But I do feel guilty for not being able to be there more.  When I lived in Pittsburgh, I was just an hour away and I could visit with relative ease.  But now all visits have to be over-nighters because it’s a longer drive.  I have to put more effort into being there.



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