Drug dealer door…

Our back door is something of an embarrassment.  We totally overlooked it when we first toured the house and then totally ignored it when we were moving into the house.  The only attention I paid to it was to put a second lock on because the door is flimsily hung and has never seemed secure.  Getting a new door was just another notation on our four page list of “renovations”. 

Last summer we had our first real chance to show off the house to some visiting friends and when I took them into the laundry room to go out the back door my friend M said, “Oh, that’s an interesting peep hole.”  The peep hole is actually not so much a hole as it is a four inch by two inch cut through the door, shored up with a piece of plexiglas.  When the winter wind blows through it, you could make ice cubes just by holding up a water filled tray in front of it.

Yes,” I replied, “that is our drug dealer door.  We use the peep hole to watch for ATF agents.  It’s wide enough so that we can view the whole back yard and, if need be, fire automatic weapons through it.”  Not that the gerry-rigged door would block in-coming bullets…  And not that we are drug dealers , which I would like to make very clear.  The door itself isn’t even much of a door.  It’s like someone needed a door and glued together several pieces of plywood in a rough design of a door.  I doubt a semi-handy father would put a door like this on his kids club house. 

Every single day since the door came into full realization for me, I have obsessed with getting rid of it.  Looking at our winter heating bill made me curse that door.  Locking the door as I exited the house only to come home to the door standing wide open also made me curse the door.  You see, you have to pull it closed in just the right way for the parts of the door lock to match up and that night, I didn’t.  Looking around at the rest of our beautiful house made me curse that awful door.  I hate that door.  And the thing that makes it worse (beyond the non-safety factor of the door) is that our laundry room is really stunning, so far as laundry rooms go (I love doing laundry, so it is one of my favorite rooms in the house) but that door totally diminishes the laundry room.

Yesterday afternoon I finally had enough.  Yes, we have a ton of things we want to accomplish in home renovations.  And yes, we had planned on our next project being the kitchen counters, but I couldn’t take that damned door anymore.  It didn’t take but a few minutes to persuade S that the door had suddenly shot up to Renovation #1, so we went to our local Home Despot (some gay people like to call it Homo Depot, but I prefer Despot because, well, it suits me better) and started the new door process.  We’ve picked out the new door and the new handle and the new locks and set up an appointment for someone to come measure everything.  We are going to let the professionals install it because all that “square” and “plumb” business seems daunting.  I’d hang an inside door myself, but the door that keeps out the burglars needs to be installed perfectly.  And hey, I have installed my own toilet, so I have renovation cred, I don’t have to hang my own back door for pride.

It seems like the new door process if going to take a couple of weeks, or so the barely competent Home Despot employee implied.  That’s really not quick enough for me.  I like instant gratification when I am having someone else do something for me.  If I am doing the project, I don’t mind that I buy a toilet one night and then wait two weeks to work up the nerve to install it.  But the professionals should jump when I snap my fingers.  See, total despot. 

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One Response

  1. […] dealer door part 3… Posted on January 22, 2008 by myrenovations As I mentioned before, we have a sorry excuse for a back door.  We’ve taken steps to have it replaced, but it is […]

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